10+ things I didn't know ...

 .... when I found out I was having a baby. Way back, way way back in November 1996, I peed on that little scary stick and 2 pink lines appeared. I knew I was pregnant before that, I think I knew a few months before and just pretended not too. JBE cried and I comforted him (yes, he's still the bitch and I'm the rock) and we decided, together, that we were having a baby. I thought at the time, that's all it meant ... WE WERE HAVING A BABY. Little did I know, very very little did I know that when you find out you are having a baby, you're really not just having a baby ... they grow up! Into terrible toddlers that you wish you never taught to walk or talk, to little children that you wish would sleep in their own damn bed and not cry when you left the house, to older children that you wish would just quit growing so damn fast (partly because you miss your baby to death, but also because you can't afford to clothe them anymore), then to pre-teens. OMG THE PRE-TEENS!!! The hormonal hateful evil pre-teens. Seriously, there is much more to it than simply 'having a baby'. I remember when Mr. Sister took me to the grocery store a few months before my little sweetheart was due to pick up some laundry soap. Not regular soap, the kind you use on baby clothes, the soft pretty smelling stuff ... the expensive stuff. I commented that it might be pretty expensive to have a baby ... I can't remember what her reply was, but it was probably something along the lines of 'you dumb little hussy'. And dumb I was. But what 17 year old isn't dumb. 17 years old and pregnant for chrissakes. And not even close to graduating high school. Not close to graduating because I spent all of grade 10 and 11 ... well ... not at school. I guess when I hit grade 12 and decided to better my life - ya know.... like when I quit binge drinking on school days, quit smoking the wacky tabaccy, and quit sucking on paper with drops of rat poison on it I really should have added 'use condoms when doin the nasty with JBE' to my list. But I didn't and here I am ... (and hell I had just discovered the orgasm, so I had a few years of catching up to do). Anyway, just like I didn't know that laundry soap for baby clothes was more expensive than the crap I used on my clothes, there was and is LOTS I didn't know way back, on that cold Saturday night in November 1996 when I found out that I was having a baby, I had no clue what I was getting myself into.

1. I didn't know that trading in my A-cups for C-cups would hurt so, or that I'd get hickey's on them from my hungry little sweetheart when I was too far into a game of Rage Racer to realize she was suckling about an inch off target ...

2. I didn't know that after 10 days of constipation (baby, not me), a supository, and a bath would result in me getting shit on in the tub ... 10 days worth, nice & runny ...

3. I didn't know that as I stared down at my little sweetheart while she slept just after appearantly over-eating I would get puke in my mouth, nose, and eyes ....

4. I didn't know that my little sweetheart would stick her finger up my nose causing it to bleed when I was sitting on the bus minding my own business when I was supposed to be looking at her ...

5. I didn't know that I was supposed to pack an extra set of clothes during our first trip to the zoo so that when my little sweetheart puked all over them, she'd have something fresh to change into

6. I didn't know that I would never be 108lbs again and even though I was blessed with keeping my bigger rack, I didn't know they'd end up covered in stretch marks and saggy to my belly ....

7. I didn't know that I would cry like a bitch baby on the 1st day of kindergarten, last day of kindergarten, last day of daycare .. well pretty much the 1st and the last day of absolutely everything that has to do with my little sweetheart

8. I didn't know my little sweetheart was going to develope early causing me much stress over the fact that it's not just other 12 year olds that find my little sweetheart "cute", grown ass pervert men find my little sweetheart "attractive" (and you can believe that if I am ever present when one decides to make it known, he will be dragging his sorry ass home without his knee caps, eyes, and balls .....)

9. I didn't know my little sweetheart was going to dislike me one day .... now I haven't heard the "I hate you" yet, but I can see it on her face, hear it in her voice, she thinks I am a complete and utter dork, or something even worse that I am chosing not to believe ....

and #10 ... well's there a lot more than 10 things definitely, but I have to get dinner on ....what really bothers me sometimes, and what is making me downright sad right this moment, is that way back on that cold Saturday in November 1996, I didn't know that I would be raising my little sweetheart alone.

Now I know I have Mr. Sister, and Silly Sally, and my mom (well not really, but she's always good for conversation ... say once a month), and extended family, and T-Bone, and friends, and I even have a faux-husband ... blah blah blah ... but I'm missing a very crucial part to this set. And my little sweetheart is too. I'm not here to belly ache over the fact that I picked a fucking loser to have a baby with 12 years ago, or was so goddam stupid for not kicking his scrawny ass to the curb much much sooner than I did, nor am I even going to belly ache that all of my little sweethearts grandparents are pretty much useless too and that I feel so utterly alone sometimes. What I really need right now is some back up. Some muscle. Someone to smack my little sweetheart upside the head when she thinks she can run her mouth until I have to snap and scream. Maybe someone to just tell me that what I'm doing is right, or even what I'm doing is wrong ... well telling someone they're parenting wrong is never a good idea, but wtf-ever. Someone to be here when I get home from work, or here when I leave in the morning. Someone else that my little sweetheart can direct her anger at. Someone that she will fear perhaps. Fear. That's it! Maybe I just need to take some karate or jujitsu classes, or something that will teach me to put her in a sleeper when she just wont shut up. Hmmm, duck tape?

What a difference 7 years makes ...