mobile upload Monday

For most people, Mondays suck. After a weekend away from the office, who really wants to get back to the grind? (Besides me?) Mondays usually suck because the shittiest things that can happen during a week will always happen on the Monday. And this morning, this is what pissed everyone off and confused people on the roads .... SNOW!

But this is Calgary. And in Calgary, it snows just in time for our kids to dress up in costumes that are made big enough to fit over snow pants and waddle through the streets collecting candy from strangers. Or in my neighborhood, where most of the residents are new to Canada, dress up in just their snow pants and waddle through the streets following the kids that are collecting candy from strangers. They almost got the hang of it.

Overall, I don't mind Mondays, today especially. I decided to take part in this ....

Which means as long as we sport this sticker each day this week, we're allowed to wear jeans in the office. I made my $10 contribution to the United Way, $7 of which will probably go directly into the pocket of the CEO of United Way. I'm not a fan of being forced into donating to charities at the office, but as long as I'm comfortable in jeans all week, that's all that really matters.

My company is always doing fun things for it's employees ... I mean look at what they recently gave us ....

They told us they're business card holders. I personally think they look like roach clips. Others seem to agree.

Well, a few things I've been up to over the past few months ... a whole lot of nothing really ... looks a little like this ...

So I'm just trying to write a blog out of things that have amused me enough to take a picture because I really haven't been up to much. Actually, I did throw a bag of clothes, chips, pop, beef jerky, a stack of Friends trivia cards, and Sydnerella in the car on October 1st and drove five hours to see my sister and her handful o' boys. Aside from my visual issues, it was a nice drive ... visual being the fucking sun. In my eyes. For two damn hours. When it wasn't here ....

it was here ...

And when it wasn't there, it was here ....

Yes, I was bitchy as shit over the sun and maybe even referred to it as a whore in my head. But I had to chuckle when we passed this ....

Actually, I didn't chuckle until I started to pronounce it outloud then stopped at 'Aurel' ... Sydnerella looked confused when I snapped the pic then pointed at a duck on the other side of the car...

Eventually, we got to the tiny oil & gas town in central Alberta where we got to hang with my sister, nephews, dog, and two cats in a one floor, one bedroom portion of the house they decided to build but haven't yet finished. Did I mention she has a handful of kids? I'm telling ya ... people reading this from families where kids out number parents ... well, let's just say that I'd pray for you if I were a person that prayed.

And now, some more random crap ...

Never cook when you're mad ...

Teach your kids to take proper phone messages ...

And always keep something like this on hand so you can righfully punch your kids when they piss you off ...

Also, I bought this big bitch for $13 the other day ...

$13 because it was too big to fit on the scale at the grocery store so they estimated how much it would cost. I believe it to be roughly 40 pounds, judging by how hard it was to get from the car into the house, so I figured that to be a good deal. That's a 2-litre pop bottle beside it to show the sheer magnitude of that beast. And for you Americans reading this, I think 2 litres is about 1/2 a gallon ....

oh my ass cheeks

I play soccer on a co-ed team. As an over-weight, out of shape smoker, just showing up for the first practice last year was a challenge. I sat in my car for 30 minutes (smoking and probably eating chips) before I decided I've got nothing to lose (except maybe my front teeth) and in I went. Over the next several months, I rolled both my ankles, knocked knees with a butchy girl causing an immediate inability to stand and a seething pain around my knee cap, been knocked to the ground, lost my vision, taken balls in the mouth (not the good way I can assure you), and once, I even punched myself in the face. It was a rough year, but I keep going back. And it's changed me a little. For example, I yell more when kids try to knock my kid down, and I yell at her to knock em down back, then yell again when she gets a whistle. And I have a little more sympathy for the midget wimps that take a knee every time the ball or another player comes in contact with them. And the ones that look like their gonna fall over but still keep playing. And I get mad at the parents now who scream at their kids to try harder after 40 minutes of play ... you get on the field and see how many seconds you last .... bitches.

Aside from just getting injured during game play, and because I stay mainly on defense, I've also made a few great saves, and I mean great. When my cocky English goalie (who I heart ... not in THAT way because I also heart his wife ...) took the ball up the field to try to score, he was outplayed and a player from the opposing team was coming right at me ... with the ball. Given that I have a nicely rounded ass that real men tend to dig, I did the first thing that came to my mind ... I turned around and bent over! I was more expecting him to stop to check out the goods, but was immediately let down when I felt the ball at full force hit my ass. It stung, not gonna lie ... like my frontal box area stung once when I got in the way again of the ball. But I accepted the cheers from my team as the ball bounced away from our net. Great save buddy, our goalie yelled .. I rock! Or more like my ass rocks.

My most epic save, though not as classy, was during an outdoor game in July. I was getting back when the ball was coming at us from my right, I pivoted (as I normally do more than I actually run), then lost sight of the ball after a pass. I continued going back anyway, pivoted quick to the left when ... BAM!!! Lights out. I heard birds chirping. Then saw stars twinkling. I took a second to decide what to do, then my body took over. I was down. Quickly threw my pony-tail back in that had been whipped out of my head though because T-Bone was at the game and I had to look good no matter what just happened. I knew something hurt, but didn't know what the fuck just happened. I then heard my favorite cocky English goalie screaming Great Save Buddy. I had saved it with the side of my head. The person who kicked? A big mean boy with a heavy hard foot. The distance from his foot to my face? About 15 feet. Sun.of.a.whore! Three days ladies and gentlemen, three days, I suffered loudly in whiplash-style pain.

So last night I was back on the field after almost three months off. We changed the name of our team to something that isn't so obviously a bunch of old out of shape farts, and now we're mean. Our black & red instead of silver & white seemed to help and we won 7-4. My pumping adrenaline kept me awake for a lot longer than I needed to be, and just as I suspected, it was hard getting out of bed this morning. Not so much because I was tired (which I am ... ever. so. tired.) but because it is almost physically impossible to move certain muscles. From my back to my abs, to my groin, to my ass cheeks, to my thighs, calfs, and everything attached ... yes, my ass cheeks are sore.

pussy antics

I know some of you think I am just that sick that I may write a whole post about my nether-regions, but I will be honest ... I don't like the word pussy for anything but laughing about my cat being a pussy.

Let me introduce you to Rusty ...

Aka Rustykins. Aka Rusty-bo-busty. Aka Rustyfarian. Aka Rust the Crust. Aka Crusty Rusty. And to Sydnerella, aka Fat Pig or Fat Worm. 

And Rusty's not a pussy like she backs down from fights. She's an outdoor pussy because I don't like my floors being pissed on. She's been in and won her share of cat-fights. I usually judge the winner by who has the biggest clumps of fur in their paws and the least amount of blood on their faces. Rusty also has a good 6 pounds on most cats, I'm surprised the neighbour cats even bother anymore. While they're sneaking up on her trying to attack, she's sneaking up on the jack rabbits that run around the block. She may be old, but she's solid.  Rusty is very beloved in our house, she may even come before me and Sydnerella. As stinky nasty as she's been over the years, I love her to bits and pieces. So much so that when T-Bone crushed up Advil in her milk because her hips looked sore, I forked over the grand it cost to pump her stomach, flush her organs, keep her at the emergency vet for 48 hours because in case you didn't gather, Advil is poisonous to cats. That almost cost me my relationship with T-Bone back then because I actually paid instead of taking her home and letting him shoot her. Fucker. But he coughed up a ticket to an Olympic hockey game shortly after so we called it even. I haven't blogged in awhile, haven't really had much to say, but I've been spending so much time on my couch with Rusty, I am more recently realizing how much I love my geriatric ol' girl that has a rough time going up and down the stairs, but had absolutely no problem stomping on my chest this morning because she refuses to eat from her dish if it's not at least an inch full. She also had no problem chasing me around my bedroom last week swatting at the water dripping down my legs when I got out of the shower. I was calling for Sydnerella to help, but I'm pretty thankful now that she didn't seem to care that I was getting attacked to save her from seeing her naked fat-ass mom standing in the middle of the bed hitting Crusty with a towel while she swatted and tried to climb on the bed to gnaw on my legs. Bitch. Rusty ... not Sydney. Our relationship is love-hate like that. For example, she knew I hated it when she used to piss down my vents, but she also know I love it when she cuddles in my hair, purrs, and drools. I know she hates when I put her own whiskers up her nose or hold her tail when she's trying to walk away from me, but I also know she loves it when I let her lick my plates after dinner. See ... Love-hate. My intent of today's blog was to post one of a few videos I've taken on my blackberry of Rustykins eating, but I'm blackberry-retarded and can't for the life of me figure out how to get a damn video on the computer. So, you get this entire blog post of my pussy. And how I love her so.

And also when I grow into a crazy cat women, I'll be able to read back and see when it all started ....

Oooh, and it's my lucky day because it's Tuesday. It's been forever since I played along with Rachel and Mr. Daddy at Once Upon a Miracle for True Story Tuesday. Here's my contribution. For more true stories, click on the box below