Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Parental abuse, bumble bees, and renewing my drivers license

My morning started at 4:30am! The window in the computer room stays open most nights in the spring. A nice breeze comes in and Rusty sits there all night I'm positive. At 4:30am today however, I was rethinking this allowance for my cat. I was rudely awoken by two neighborhood cats partaking in Wrestlemania 300. This had my cat running through the house with her tail puffed snarling and grunting, trying to bust out the window. I don't know if my neighbors saw or heard me running through the yard pssst-ing, but I was not impressed. I went back to sleep, but my Spring-filled morning didn't end there. I was almost attacked by what I thought was a mini-mouse just as my foot was coming down on it in my basement. I had 1 millisecond to rethink that step and it almost sent me on my ass. I got closer to this ball of fur that was waddling on the floor and it wasn't a mini-mouse. It was a fucking bee. A big ass fuzzy bumble bee. I don't want to start complaining about Spring so early, but my gawd! Professional fighter cats, steroid addicted bees, not to mention the 50 worms that committed suicide in my garage from last weeks flood like rain. Maybe Summer is better than Spring.

Now to what I had started typing up the other day .... There's a happiness we can all feel in the city now that the sun is out and the snow is really gone. And I've had some really good days lately. Not for any particular reason. It must be the sunshine. Sunday started with cuddles from Rusty, a cigarette, and A&W breakfast with coffee .... (ps A&W coffee is NOT good). Sydnerella had a two hour soccer practice and I had to get my drivers license renewed. Actually, it was supposed to be renewed on my birthday, but since it was supposed to be the end of the world, I figured I didn't need to renew shit. Just like that Camping lunatic, I was wrong. So I headed to the registry to pay a bunch of fines that had turned into convictions because that would have really sucked to get arrested over parking fines. It would have been worse if I crashed the car last week when Sydnerella was punching me repeatedly to get the color right of the bunch buggy we saw, THEN arrested. We were both in our pajamas, which she thought would have been hilarious until I told her not to laugh, she'd be in foster care. She looked down at her pajama shorts with hearts on them and apologized for the punching me. What I should have done to get back at her is put that damn bee in her room when I left for work this morning. Anyway, this years renewal wasn't just the "pay the bullshit renewal fee and wait for a new license to come in the mail" ... It had been a really long time since my picture and other information had been updated. I had some work to do. The first step was to get my eyebrows done, where I almost punched the bitch again for asking if I wanted my upper-lip done ... No, whore, I don't. I had to wait an hour for the swelling and redness to disappear, and I had to do my hair. When I was feeling like I looked a little more decent than on a regular day, I headed over to get my picture snapped. I even applied some coloured shit to my lips so it might look like I have some in my pic. It did alright ... similar to what I look like after I eat spaghetti. Between that and the scowl I must just always carry around because my passport photo looked the same ("Hey, I'm going to fucking Disneyland ... gggrrrrrr"), I made them take another picture. I didn't look as miserable, but my lips were still clown-ish. The registry lady assured me it didn't matter because the pics are in black and white anyway. We'll see. I also had to update my weight. Bitch. I guess I wasn't fooling anyone using the same info from my learners permit I got when I was 15 years old. Oh to be 110lbs again. According to my new drivers license, I'm still about 20lbs lighter. It's the ass, really, it's not ME. But the scariest shit that took place at the registry was picking up the book for Sydnerella to study for her learners permit. This disturbed me for two reasons. 1. I can't be old enough to have a kid who can drive! And 2. I saw a sign that said this: The knowledge test* is available in 9 languages in addition to English. Fucking really!? It is my opinion that people should know how to read English to get a drivers license here. Just me? Anyway, I can't wait for the day Sydnerella's driving and we pass a punch buggy. She'll get hers.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

It's midnight. Do you know where your children are?

Mine just got back from 7/11 and she was with a boy. I was sneaking over there to buy a pack of smokes - I'm still pretending she doesn't know I smoke even though she sees me take my pack to the garage and smells me coming back in a few times a day. She was walking through the parking lot while I was driving out (hiding my new pack of smokes under my leg) and instead of giving her shit for leaving the park behind the house where she'd be, I thought I'd be the cool mom and stop to offer some money. She's going to 14 next month and see how she has successfully managed to gain total and utter control here? Why am I allowing my 13 year old to roam the streets at midnight with a boy? Three reasons. 1. I don't want to fight. 2. She was with a chubby boy who looks like he can throw a punch that I know she doesn't want to kiss. And 3. She's wearing sweat pants and a hoodie. About 30 minutes before I agreed for her to go out, we passed two of her girlfriends from school on their way to the fast food places, much further away, wearing itty bity shorts and tank tops. Soooo ... when the fight was just about to start, I decided that I would rather know my kid's staying within 4 blocks of our house and is covered the fuck up. There! I just successfully justified a parenting decision that most wont agree with even though there's something nagging at me that this isn't completely ok. I fear for my sanity and pray that this next stage of parenting doesn't kill me.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

May 21, 2011

I've been too caught up in planning how I'm spending May long weekend, so I don't what all the hype's been about surrounding May 21, besides the fact that it's my birthday. That's right ....

So I had to do some reading, figure out what the hell is about to happen. This clears up a lot. Phew. I'm assuming that I wont be one of the 200 million going to heaven that day and this bums me out a little. I've already booked my trip to Disneyland in September and given that Sydnerella hasn't really done anything to piss God off that bad, I'll probably be going to Disneyland alone. If the earthquake doesn't destroy it. I guess that's just wishful thinking. Scrap that ... My kid did recently tell me she doesn't believe in God, she believe in Science. I guess she'll be with me until the bitter end. I feel ripped off because we wont get to see how Bella looks as a vampire, or pregnant. Another thing we'll miss out on is the Walking Dead, Season 2. Unless, of course, WE will be the walking dead. But I have a feeling it wouldn't be nearly as cool to have the world taken over by Zombies as it seems on TV. At least I have this guy close by ....

Wait ... the Rapture doesn't have anything to do with Zombies ... got off track there, sorry. Between now and October 21, I have a quite a list of shit to get done. I wont even waste my time with the marriage bullshit, but I think I'll get a ring. A big fat diamond ring. As a matter of fact, I think I'll get big and fat myself, there's no holding back now. And fuck this cold arctic weather, I'm going to Texas to float the Guadalupe River. Smoking Marlboro menthols and drinking American beer with clamato juice for as long as I can. Who's with me?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

what's worse than being stood up for a date?

Having a dude leave in the middle of a date!

I'll back up, but not too much because there'd be 19 years to cover off here and I just don't have that kind of time, as you can tell with my random blogger drop ins. Those who miss me will be happy to hear that the cable guy is coming Saturday to fix up our internet and I have discovered how to go on the net in privacy mode, so I'll be back on blogger in full swing in no time ... Probably Saturday to blog any craziness that happens on my birthday, or lack there of because I'm gettin old ... Back to the dude who left in the middle of our date ...

Ok, it wasn't a date. And it wasn't some random dude. So I totally lied. But it was a guy who I'm kinda diggin and who's diggin me back, and we did have plans to go out, and I was going to jump his bones. But here's why it wasn't really date .... I've been crazy about this guy since I was 13 years old. We played stupid games for years, ya know, cuz we were kids an all. Lost our virginity to each other and had all sorts of fun together ... yeah, that guy. The Pilot. By the time I got knocked up in grade 12 by Shitface, the Pilot had joined the army. Instead of moving with him like he had asked, I stayed with Shitface and the Pilot moved on.

{Insert several more years worth of stories that I may or may not get to one day. Stories that I was certain would end up being the greatest love story of all time}

By the time T-Bone "broke up with me", the Pilot was getting divorced. He's been back to the city a few times since and we've been hanging out. And stuff. Who I remembered as a cute, geeky, kid is now a man. A hot, sexy man. Last Friday, he was back and we spent the evening together. Met up again Saturday. We were in the middle of deciding what we were doing the rest of the day when he got a call from his mom that he had to go deal with something. I think. I didn't hear the conversation. I was in the shower gettin all ready for the raping he was about to get when he knocked on the door and told me he'd be right back. Again, that was Saturday. He hasn't been back.
No phone call, no text, nothing.

And that, my friends, is worse than being stood up.