Friday, July 23, 2010

a Canadian girl in Texas

Welcome me back! Back to Canada from Texas Tuesday night, and back to work just yesterday. Boo. I have no idea where this blog post will go from here, or where it will end up, or when it will be posted, but let me first prepare by trying to decide where to start ... I can start with the fact that I haven't got lucky in almost three weeks and that my sex drive has been murdered. I can start with telling you about the night I went to Coyote Ugly in San Antonio (I know what you want to ask me .. and the answer us Oh. Yes. I. Did.) I can start with telling you that I'd been sleeping with a woman most of the last 8 days, Aunt Crazy as a matter of fact. And No, that has nothing to do with the fact that my sex drive has been murdered ... girl on girl would not disappoint I assume ... just sayin .... I can also start with the explanation of my involvement in this news headline: "New Braunfels Police Officer Recovering After Weekend Assault - Suspect Released on Bond" ... Well, involvement might be a little misleading .... 

Let's go back to my early days as a mom for a quick minute for a quick explanation. I was 20 years old. I had a toddler in daycare. My first office job. And time to kill as an under-paid receptionist. What began as a simple question I posted on a womans forum on MSN asking for advice on something related to my kid, my job, or my dickhead baby-daddy has developed into a ten year friendship with some of the best women Canada and the US has to offer. Yes, I said the US, American friends? Who'd-a-thunk it? Without getting into too much detail, a tight bond developed. Tighter than the average persons respect for company internet usage. Between our private Moms and Parenting group on MSN, chatting on instant messenger, doing Secret Santa gift exchanges, and much more, our "internet group" became simply a group of friends from all over North America. We're still an internet group of course, but we more commonly go by LIG - the Lesbian Internet Group - although I'm not sure we even have a lesbian amongst us ... hey, ya never know. Maybe they don't even know. You'll have to visit Aunt Crazy's blog for an explanation on LIG because I wasn't there that year. Anyway, the first time I decided to take part in the Moms and Parenting Reunion was in 2006. I finally earned enough money to pay more than one bill a month and to eat more than just balogna for dinner and our Moms and Parenting group had been meeting on these annual trips since 2003. The pictures looked not only harmless, but down right fun. And at that stage in my life, I was looking for some goddam fun! So in July 2006, I was on my way to Branson, Missouri. As my plane was touching down in St. Louis alllll the way from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, I was struck with a scary thought .... "what the fuck did I just do?" I spent a bazillion dollars and took off over 3,000 kilometers from home to spend five days with 11 other people, who, for all I knew, were men posed as women, looking to have their way with a shy pale Canadian girl. Obviously, this wasn't the case and I had a great time. In 2007, I drank too much in Vegas and acted snooty-rich by sending my kid to horse camp and was unable to attend the reunion. But in July 2008, I hopped on a plane once again and joined the group in Texas. Seguin to be exact, about 40 miles from San Antonio. That trip was thee best trip I've had in my life as a single woman. As a mother with her child safely over 3,000 kilometers away. Repeated at the same location in 2009. And just repeated again in 2010. As a matter of fact, 1 week ago to the hour that I started typing this up (because I'm slow like that), I was sweating my ass off at the San Antonio International Airport having a smoke, waiting for two of my American friends to land so we could hop in a rented, air conditioned car and speed to the large house on the Guadalupe River in Seguin, Texas where the rest of our friends would be waiting, or arriving soon.

When we're in Texas, we spend our days shopping for food, outlet priced souvenirs and clothes and Coach bags, Marlboro menthols, and liquor. And liquor. And finally, liquor. We eat, drink, talk, laugh, dance, cry, gossip, sit in silence, relax, and behave in ways that some might not want their children to see (2008 pic)

This year, we spent an evening on the River Walk in San Antonio, where we ate a fun place called ... 
Here, I learnt that I spit, 1 friend swallows (same friend who taught us how to give hand jobs one year so that made sense) ...

... another friend spreads like butter after two drinks, another friend that shaves her kitty, another friend has a rash, another friend who is a ho fo sho, and many more interesting, but obviously false (some true ...) tidbits about all my girls. Or my bitches, as we so lovingly call each other. From Dicks, we walked to Coyote Ugly, hopped up on the bar and danced. Again, Oh. Yes. We. Did. I also got to see the Alamo finally ... like just see it from a distance since it was closed ...
I think our favorite way to spend our time in Texas is floatin the river .. or toobing as some call it (2008 pic) ...
We hit up Rockin R on the Guadalupe River this year two different days, click THIS LINK. for an idea of how that day ended. And let me give you Canadians some background info on why this happened, which was left out of the newspaper article for obvious reasons .... it is +391 degrees celcius or some crazy shit, there is a major delay in the busses getting back to our cars from where we got out of the river, there is quite easily over 500 people waiting for the busses after getting off the river, and because on the Texas rivers, there are no liquor laws.
Ok, that's unfair ... there are liquor laws and they state that no jello shooters are allowed (because of the garbage they leave, not because of any concern of alcohol intake and heat exhaustion) and only one cooler that holds 18 beer is allowed on the river. PER PERSON. I shit you not fellow Canadians ... if it wasn't for the fact that I don't care for boob and ass sweat, and quite frankly have a hard time breathing in that fucking heat, I would have already moved down there just so I can drink large quantities of cheap booze and smoke large quantities of $6 packs of smokes. And don't let the lower quantity of alcohol in American beer fool you, malt or not, I drank about half my personal river limit on the following Monday and got out of the river a little more drunk that I expected. And that float was crazy fun. I think I even met my sole-mate, Art. A hot little Mexican that gave me leg, foot, and back massages for over an hour. On the river. What a freaking life. Seriously ... WTF am I doing at work right now when I can be down in Texas, drinking, smoking, and getting my feet massaged by my sole-mate Art? Arturo actually. Art makes me think of an old balding man with false teeth .... But as I am a taken woman, I gave Arturo a few pecks on the lips cuz he was just way too cute and left him on the bus at the river. Pecks people, not french kisses. T-Bone has put no ring on my finger, nor does he really put out anymore (sex drive murderer), I did nothing wrong! Right? We spent our last night in the beautiful house in Seguin that sits along the Guadalupe River, too exhausted for much more than a meal (the Americans introduction to poutine ... nom nom nom) and a toast with Bitch Bubbly ... sorry about the crap blackberry pics, but those bottles at my boobies do say Bitch Bubbly ...

Much more tame than the previous night where we polished off a cookie tray full of jello shots .... 3 shooters high, played a drinking game, and drunk called a random men from every phone of every woman there ... Some played along, some didn't ... guess which category T-Bone and Uncle Bubba fell into?? So it was a work night. And midnight. Uh, sorry for waking you both ... I guess ... 

That pretty much sums up what I've been doing the last week. I can't believe I'm home already, sad that it ended so soon, and am already counting down the pay cheques to next year when I get to see my bitches, my very best mostly-American friends again.

More pictures to follow and make sure to keep up with Aunt Crazy's blog too for her versions of our trip. Also, I know I've been a bad blogger and haven't posted much in awhile, but life before Texas gets busy. And raising my new teenager keeps life busy. And summer makes life busy. I'm sorry followers, I even see that I've lost yet another ... sigh .... 

Ooh, and I almost forgot to mention that T-Bone was waiting at the gate with Sydneralla and a dozen roses when I came home Tuesday night. It was a nice way to come home ... sure beat last year when I had to take a cab home ... alone! because he wouldn't get his ass out of bed at 1am to pick me up after my connecting flight in Denver was delayed a few hours. Not cool T-Bone, not cool. 


  1. My sleeps for those 5 nights were so good, cuz I was sharing the bed with YOU! My hat at Dick's said "I shave my kitty" ROFL!!! The poutine was delish and you need to send me some packets of that gravy cuz we got Mozz and fries down here but we don't have any of those packets.

    I miss you immensely and I cried when I left you at Walmart but I'll see you in less than a year!!!

  2. OHOHOH we forgot to mention that I let Canada Stacy drive my new car while I rode bitch in the backseat!!!

  3. OH and it's not cheating, cuz not only were you in a different area code but you were in a whole other country...according to all the young men I know, being in a different area code gives you free reign...LOL

  4. Wow, sounds like an awesome trip!!

  5. Sounds like y'all tore it up! I'm kind of scared of Arturo- men are creepy down here ya know.

  6. Sounds like you guys had a great time....

    Not good enough to make me want to have surgical alteration so's I can join ya'll LOL
    So I will just have to enjoy it and laugh about it living vicariously through yours and Aunt Crazy's blogs ROFL

  7. Well shit, hopefully T-bone doesn't read your blog hoe!!!

    While what WE consider not cheating... men are assbags. Doubt he'd think it was all that peachy!!!!

    I fucking want to go to Vegas with some of my blog whores! Damnit!