Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas blues, Stacy style

Well it's been confirmed. I'm just not that into Christmas this year. I was doing well getting ready for Christmas ... I thought. But it just hit me as I sit here at my desk trying to get myself motivated to work, but spending most of my time writing nasty e-mails to a seller on who said T-Bone's gift would be here on the 17th as I still wait ... I'm really not handling myself very well this season. I put my tree up on December 6, but I can't even take credit for that. I put it together (fake, and not as nice a few years old now that Rusty has been using the base as a scratch post and has crawled a few feet up leaving nice gaps and holes and bent branches)  ... I spiraled every strand of lights that would work around the tree without paying much attention, and did the same with the garland. Sydnerella and her friend put the decorations on and without even batting an eye at it, that's where it's been left. The boxes with extra decorations still sit around the tree, beside and on top of boxes that haven't been unpacked since I moved in (again ... in JULY!). I have a ton of wall hangings, stockings, Christmas stuffies, snow globes, candle arrangements and more still in the storage room in the basement. I have a momma and baby deer in my garage that I bought to put on the front lawn with all the new outdoor lights (which are also still sitting on the kitchen table where they've been since I bought them 3 weeks ago .... ) Seriously, I need help. Not help getting my shit together, it's too late for that, I need mental help. A Christmas intervention. I think I earned my Christmas blues this year though, so maybe screw the intervention and pass the rum and egg nog! I'll start with my company party that has happened the last weekend of November every year for the past 6 years. 5 out of the 6 have been spent at the Banff Springs Hotel, a magical place in the Rocky Mountains where I have been able to experience a fraction of a life of luxury, and hangovers aside, they were 5 of the most special weekends of my life in the past 6 years ... every year except this year. Goddam recession.

And I know how spoiled I sound, I know there are people out there without homes, or family, and all sorts of other sadness ... but this is my sadness and this is my blog after all. Aside from missing out on Banff this year, I also missed my daughters daycare party. Not because I didn't want to go, we missed it because Sydnerella isn't a daycare kid anymore. Hooray for not paying daycare fees, but not so much for my only child growing up so damn fast.
Let me tell ya, there's nothing more festive than squishing into a small daycare centre with 60+ people, getting a small but satisfying taste of basmati rice and spicy beef samosas and watching everyone else go crazy over my usual contribution of KFC fries and gravy while the kids run around spilling juice, crushing short bread into the carpet while anxiously waiting for Santa to hand out presents. I would give anything right now to be sitting in a teeny daycare chair, sweatin like a pig while trying to remain sane listening to my daughter and the rest of the daycare kids sing Christmas carols taught by the new to Canada daycare workers who don't know the tune of Jingle Bells. How precious, really, funny as hell, but special and now so dearly missed. I knew I would miss it, just by the fact that I only had 1 kid, I knew this would all be missed one day. I couldn't have prepared myself for this ... And who would have thought that I'd actually want to arm myself and head into battle against the entire foreign population of Whitehorn for a good seat in the school gym so we can watch our kids sing their hearts out in their fancy little dresses and bow ties. And me, trying to make sure Sydnerella is keeping her dress down, her bangs swept off her face, and a big smile on her face while singing or acting or playing the hand bells.
That's Christmas. And just like Santa, is now just a memory. I have tons of pics to prove it was all real (I've added some for your viewing pleasure ...) but it just doesn't seem so real or as magical this year. Santa is coming to my new house this year whether Sydnerella believes or not  ... (not taking credit for the good gifts anymore though ...) and she will help me track him on Norad right until midnight when he's somewhere over Hawaii and we will have family, and food, and laughs, and smiles, and music. But I can feel it in my aching little heart right now that Christmas won’t ever be the same.


  1. AWWWW don't be blue my friend. Think of the positives. Your girl is growing up and she's healthly and lovely and beautiful and most important she's HER because you've taught her to be just that, HER, no one else. You've taught her to be who she is at an age where most girls do anything to fit in with the others. Soon, she'll be off to college and then marriage and the grandbabies, all of those are things to look forward too. It's the way of the world that we raise them up and set them out and then we live OUR lives. Your life after raising her will be a GREAT one and you know it as well as I do. You've done amazing things given your circumstances and I remember the first time I saw almost all of those pictures. I remember how you struggled and overcame and look at you now...a new home, a great kid, great friends, T-bone, and ME way down here in Texas missing the hell out of you and wishing there was a way we could be together at Christmas. I'm hugging you right now like I wanted too when the Texas Easter Bunny visited you and like I did the first time I saw you in Branson and again year after year down here in Texas. Don't be blue cuz I love you!!! hahahahaha who knew I could rhyme! LOL