Wednesday, September 1, 2010

my aching heart thanks you all

I am overwhelmed with emotion this week. I need sleep and I need more answers than I will ever get. Christy, I love you dearly. You are one of my best friends and I hold you tight in my heart. I can’t even begin to thank you enough for reaching out to everyone for me. And thank you all who don't even know me for your kind words. I was sitting at my friends kitchen table as we started to make funeral arrangements for her daughter as the messages came in and they hugged my heart. And anyone else who may be reading this that has been there for me all week, thank you. I feel very loved and very blessed and very very lucky.

The first friend I ever had didn’t wake up Monday morning. She will rest peacefully forever, out of our lives but not our hearts. She has left behind one of my best friends (her mom) and her 9 year old son. I am blessed to have been one of the first people to see him arrive in the world. And am touched that I was thought of first to write and read Jackie’s eulogy in the days to come. As I hadn’t been part of her life the last few years, there is someone better suited for that honor though, and I will blog about that guilt soon enough. In the meantime, please read these two stories from my childhood, two hysterical stories about me and my friend Jackie:

And now, the balance of my turmoil that I have faced this past week …. I wrote this blog Monday morning, was just finishing it up when I got that still unreal call from Jackie’s mom that dropped me to my knees in my office…..

My mom turns 59 today (September 1). She’s spending her birthday in the hospital. Where she’s been since Friday. Since the day she couldn’t take a breath on her own. Being a smoker of 43 years, her lungs have basically told her to Fuck Off. They are done, they have worked hard enough, and she’s actually pretty lucky they haven’t let cancer settle in. Without going into a full tutorial on emphysema, as shitty as it is to say, she caused this. We’ve been watching her deteriorate for years without knowing what the problem is. She is to blame, we are to blame, her idiot doctor is to blame …. So there it is. Spend your whole life drinking and smoking and not taking care of your body, wake up one morning and your lungs can no longer function on their own. You get to lay on a stretcher in the hallway of an over-crowded hospital for 6 hours waiting for a bed in the emergency room on a Friday night where people are screaming in the rubber rooms, trying to attack security guards, 80 year old women are stripping naked and throwing stuff because their dementia is so bad and the nurses don’t seem to know what to do. My mom’s nurses and doctors have been wonderful to her. She’ll be in the hospital for awhile to come, getting this tune up on her lungs and preparing her to most likely live the rest of her life with a tank of oxygen at her side. Which at this point, I am terribly grateful for considering what could have happened that day if her good friend and neighbor wasn’t there to call 9-1-1.

I don't know what else to do, say, or feel. I have tremendous support and as wonderful as Travis has been this past week, my heart is still breaking for him and our relationship. I would give anything to have me cuddle me to sleep. A sleep I so desparately need.


  1. I'm so sorry all of this is happening at all but to have it happen all at one time- I just can't imagine. Hang in there girl.

  2. The loss of a friend is just that... It's the loss of that friend... they are physically gone from us forever... but their memories... the joys of the times we shared... plus your being there for the birth of her son. *sighs*

    Love her forever... *huggles*


  3. Stacy,
    I'm so sorry. What horrible timing this has been for you. I'm glad you have good memories of her that you can visit at any time you wish.

    Hugs this time instead of a magic wand...

  4. sorry to hear about your rough times...

    reading your last couple of posts brought this quote to mind.

    "It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult." – Seneca

    If this doesn't speak to your heart, then don't pay it any mind. If it does and you can use it God bless...

    "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". – Semisonic, "Closing Time"

    saying a prayer for you,hope it gets better soon.

  5. I know you know this, but I'm gonna tell you again, today, my heart is broken for you and today my heart is aching for you and today my heart it hurts so badly for you because I would punch a baby to have the chance to be standing with you right now, holding your heart in my hands, so that I would feel all of your pain, and you, you my friend would feel only joy and happiness again. I know I told you earlier today but the worst part of death, is that the living have to well, keep fucking living. So, today, you be strong, and tonight or tomorrow, or next week, you fall down and you be weak, and you let that weakness consume you, but only, ONLY for a fucking minute. Kick grief in the balls and laugh in its face because the way to honor your friend is to live for her, love for her, smile and be happy for her, and for her son. He is too young to fully understand, but in years to come, he will understand and you will need to remind him how much she loved him and how great she was. You will need to regale him with these fun stories that you shared with her. You will need to hold him up and show him how to honor her.

    I heart you and soon, we'll share another bed, someplace, for a few nights, and we'll have a shooter for Jackie, or ten, and we'll dance on bars for her, and you, you will share her with me, so that I too can feel that I knew her, even though I will only know her because of you!