Monday, April 18, 2011

What's mountain cake you ask?

Sydnerella and I baked a cake last night …

Sadly, this is not what our cake looks like. Before I get into the story, let me give you a little idea of how domestically challenged I am. I have lived in my house for 21 months and have never cleaned the toilets. Ever. I hire cleaners. Not because I’m rich, not because I’m spoiled. It’s because I'm a domestic retard. My cleaners are not to be mistaken with maids. I don’t have someone walking around my 1200 square foot house with a feather duster 24/7. Although that would be really fucking cool.

A husband & wife team comes in for 90 minutes as needed to scrub the bathrooms, counters, floors, all the shit that I don’t do. I pay $75 if you’re curious, so I’m not taking food out of my kids mouth to afford this luxury, it’s reasonable and to me, it’s worth it. Judge all you want, ya know you’re jealous ….
I may have to find new cleaners though since the husband is in treatment for a gambling addiction and the wife is ginormous and has wicked b.o. when she sweats …. AND because she literally dropped a deuce in my bathroom after she cleaned it while I waited at the door for her to leave!

In short, I know what may be contributing to why I’m not married. In the bedroom, I’d be a rockin wife. I wouldn’t make my husband wait or beg, no matter how much he pissed me off. On the contrary, I’d end up wearing him down … But in the kitchen … Well, let’s just say he’d go hungry … sexually satisfied, but hungry.

Back to the cake … the cake that not only confirmed potentially why I am single, but confirmed that I’m a useless mother too. Here’s how the baking of our cake went down …

I have one cake pan. I actually bought the damn thing myself a few years back when I made T-Bone some brownies. Brownies that ended up going bad in his work truck (I’ll never bake for a man again). My cake tin is just a small pan, obviously not meant for cake because on the back of the cake mix box, no where did it say how long to keep the cake in the over for a tin my size. I also lined the pan with tin foil so I could easily lift the cake out and not have to clean the pan when I'm done. Seriously.

Cake # 1 came out of the oven … Ummm ....?

We're making a two-layer cake and I figure at this point, that there's still hope. Which there was ...

That’s better. I don’t know what the hell caused the first to morph into a mountain of cake. Sydnerella is standing beside me, icing and butter knife in hand in attempt to make the monstrosity look like a cake, shame mixed with horror is in her eyes as we end up with this ....

My final thoughts: Well, I spent some quality time with my kid, who I mortify more and more each day. And the cake tastes good, in the end, it all comes out looking the same anyway.


  1. I need to hire cleaners. But not ones that drop deuces in my freshly cleaned toilet. The kids' friends do that on a regular basis.

    Next time, cut the top off of the big cake to level it and flip it upside down on top of the normal cake. Even the pros do stuff like that. They just never tell anyone their secrets :)

  2. I'd clean your house for other "fringe" benefits!!

  3. I'm getting cleaners this summer, I AM dammit!!! Even if it DOES make my white trash cuz I live in a fucking trailer...LMFAO