I'm in a foul mood this morning. Have said the C word in my head a few times, said fuck out loud, type it now a few times, and am just too mad to even to get to work just yet. I am on a man-hating mission and I'm just happy that I haven't had to talk to any yet today .. poor bastard that will be my first ... and if I have any dirt on him in his life with his kids or wives, he might be hurt and I might be in trouble.
What makes a man walk away from his family? His kids? Ok ... so just typing that made me chuckle a little inside thinking of possibly terribly possessive wives, maybe wives who cheat, wives who deserve to be left at the curb .. and then I thought of devil spawned children .... ok humour time done, back to hating of the man!
For me, this started back when I was about 4 years old. My mom had married my dad in her late 20's, had me at 28. Sounds responsible hey? Not so much. It was her second marriage and should have just been chalked up to a bad decision ... but he wasn't left in 1984 like he should have been and he's still in the far back of my mind collecting hate and now pity. My mom ran from my dad ... literally. Once when he chased her down the street with a gun, and the last time I think was when he went out of town and she ran through the house collecting what she could grab, jumped in a U-Haul, and took off (really .. she could have at least took the VCR since she left the house and all the damn money ...). But like in O Brother, Where Art Though .... she grabbed her kids and "done R-U-N-N-O-F-T". She never re-married either, so me & my sisters were raised by a single mom. Statistically speaking, this was a bad thing for us girls. You know what happens to girls when they don't have a father figure ... I don't have to get in to this again .. most of you reading this know I was knocked up in high school. Moving on then. I always wondered if my sisters and I, and even my mom would have had a better life if we had a step-dad. Given the type of person my mom was (is) though, I don't think any man she would have scored would have added any positive influences in our lives. It would have been a shit-show from the start and big picture, it's probably a good thing she did it on her own. So, with all that said so far, you can see my life's been a struggle ever since I was born.
So it made perfect sense that when I was 14 years old, I fell in love with the only 14-year old drunk at the school, fought all the hussy little ho's who thought he was the hottest of all hot 14 year old drunks, and scored my baby-daddy. Epic fail. Let me tell ya. We loved each other, no denying that ... so many years later I can't even count, and I know that boy loves me still. If I was the same quiet timid pathetic little girl I was in my late teens, early 20's ... I'd still be his bitch. Stacy + Jason = Love. 4Ever. Right?! Not so much. I may have started my life down the same path my mom was on, but I sure as hell am not going to finish it on that path. I am a strong woman, that much I know. But as strong as I am, there's one thing that breaks me every time. And that's seeing my daughter cry. And last night, she cried. For her dad. The tall funny boy who I loved with all my heart so many years ago it seems like a different life, the tall funny boy who loved his little girl right up until she was about 8 years old. The love he had for her is still there I'm sure. But his strength is not. It never was. He traded us in for a new life with Moslon Dry. He's covered up his guilt for leaving his baby girl with so much Molson Dry that he doesn't know he cares anymore. Sydnerella went through a hard time when he left, I'm not going to pretend she didn't. Time has helped heal her and we've reached a spot where she understands, accepts, and moves on. But like any other normal loving human being, she has memories, and a right to mourn the loss of her dad. Those are the times the rage and fury of a single mother comes to the surface. I want to hurt him ... to make him cry the way he made MY baby girl cry while I held her last night ..not that crying is anything new to that pathetic boy, but when he cries at my words, I can't help but smile most times. I won’t be smiling if I get to make him cry today though, I'm too mad. "Fucking piece of shit loser" has been running through my head since last night. It's sad that that's what he turned into .... No, I guess it's sad that that's what I chose for myself and my daughter all those years ago when I was just a scrawny pathetic little fatherless girl. Again, I'm not that person anymore. I am stronger and smarter, and today, I am fucking angry. Today, it's a good thing he lives too far away for me to just show up at his door, punch him in his junk when he answers, and growl YOU KNOW WHY!