Friday, January 29, 2010

My garage has a bad attitude

Dear my very own house,

I love you, I really do. You are beautiful, functional, and have everything I was looking for. But why are so many little things falling apart at such a young age. At 10 years, you should still be smoking hot .... ok, you are smoking hot, but I'm starting to see .. let's call them little wrinkles. Laugh lines if you will. I knew I would have to repaint the stairwell when we realized it was not built to fit a queen sized boxspring up ... apparently they fit coming down because we could see the bed marks on the carpet when we moved it ... definitely queen sized, yet no scuff marks even from getting the former owners bed down. Odd wouldn't you say? But no worries, that's easy-peasey when my faux-husband is a painter. But why did you let your towel rack droop in the bathroom soon after I moved in? My towels surely couldn't be heavier than the others ... in fact, I can guarantee they are more worn out than most therefore weigh less. Sup with that? And even though you got me with the back door knob - really pretty funny when I look back to the day I went to shut the door and the door stayed where it was while the knob ended up in my hand .... 2 feet away - but so not cool at the same time because those knobs are the most expensive to replace of all doorknobs. Blessing in disguise I suppose because I really don't know how much longer I'd be able to handle looking at those brass knobs. Apparantly, you didn't like them either. I understand that, really I do. Brassy, gold, whatever the colour is, I'm fed up just after 6 months ... 10 years you must have been pulling your hair out ... or dropping your towel racks, so I forgive you for that. I paid a visit to Home Depot last night and have a deal for you. If you quit messin around with your laundry room light so I don't have to sort laundry in the dark or hold a lighter up to the soap dispenser while I pour, then I promise to replace all the brassy gold in you. Cross my heart .... look on the kitchen table if you don't believe me ... brand-spankin new 'satin nickle' door knobs! All for you. And because you have been so good to me aside from the stuff mentioned here, as a wee treat, I decided to throw in some matching cabinet handles. I mean, you have to admit, along with the brassy gold, there is entirely too much oak in the place. Not trying to make you feel bad ... just sayin. And if you keep behaving, I promise to replace all the brassy-ass gold doorknobs and hinges for the same satin nickle knobs throughout the house. What do ya think about that? I know you like the sound of that ... Now, since we're on the subject, I also have to ask you to talk to your little brother ... aka the garage. Wtf is wrong with him, seriously, WTF!? I didn't do anything wrong to him, with the chip on his shoulder ... and mold on his walls, like hell. Winter in Calgary, snow chunked on the undercarriage that falls off the car and melts and flows where? Yep, right over to the corners where the drywall sits directly on the concrete ... you'd think he could direct it to the corners where the drywall sits an inch above the concrete so the melted snowy shit can flow under it? Noooo .... that's way too much to ask. I figured the garage had it in for me they day I saw the great big crack down the centre that I know was not there when I bought it .. I have pictures, I have proof. Bastard. I'll replace the drywall regardless of his bad behavior when our snow melts, like July or something because mold isn't something you want to mess around with, but he better behave after that. Don't even make me say what I'll do otherwise. Thank you dear house, again, I do heart you very much. You take care of me, I'll take care of you.

Your owner. The one that promises to try to help you stay young and beautiful for many more years to come.

PS: I'm sorry my cat puked on you last night. She got glow stick liquid in her mouth and if she didn't puke, she'd die or something .. I cleaned you up good, but am really sorry. I wont put a glow stick necklace on her and laugh when she runs around trying to get it off even again!

For more letters or to add your own (angry, happy, sad, confused, whatever they may be), head on over to Foursons blog

Letters of Intent


  1. I love your house. I am so jealous cuz I want one so badly. WTF is up with brass everywhere...I love me some satin nickel...I do!!! Good luck with the facelift on the house!!!

  2. I love the house! It looks so pretty from the pictures.

  3. 10 years is when all houses start to break down. It stinks, but it tends to be the norm. Hopefully your home will stay mostly intact and will not cause you pains to your bank account.

    And seriously? You put a glow stick on the cat? Bawahahahahah!

    Thanks for linking up!

  4. Totally cracking up about the cat and glow stick!

    Your house looks darling! And we must have the same builder who likes to create "quick-aging" homes!