Monday, April 26, 2010

dropping the C bomb ...

I don't like the word. But I like the word. It can be offensive, but there are times where it can be absolutely appropriate. Like when I am going to drop it today. Let me start from the beginning. For those of you that know me well, but don't want to know too much, you may want to skip todays blog, I get a tad personal. I'm going to tell you the story about the first time I got my cho-cha waxed. What? Not a good word? Fine ... My vagina. About two weeks ago, I decided that I was going to get waxed .... a brazilian wax I figured. Yes, I was going to let a masochist with poor career choices smear hot wax on my pink woman bits and rip out all my hair. Down to business. The first thing on the agenda was simply to wait. Easy enough. Finally, I was getting a break. For those of you that are interested, I have been shaving for a few years, pretty much bald. Pretty much. And it's exhausting keeping up with T-Bone's schedule, I don't like the stubble or the five o'clock shadow, I don't like the itch that comes on roughly the fourth day, and I don't like the in-grown hairs that come with shaving before the itchy fourth day. So I had two options to choose between when I decided I didn't want to shave anymore. One was to go au natural. Which I am absolutely convinced T-Bone liked more than he'll ever admit because on about the 12th day of hair growth he was so into what was going on, he scored twice ... in 10 minutes! T-Bone liked tha bush. And the second option was to have every last hair ripped out of it's ever-lovin follicles. Because I have low self-esteem or some shit and feel I deserve to be beaten, raped, and pilaged, I went for option number two. The big day was Thursday, April 22. And yes, I am just writing about it now because I have recovered. Physically and mentally from the procedure. I am well enough to talk about it now without the memories sending me into a psychotic rant, rolled up in a ball under my desk holding my pink lady bits screaming to just leave the lil hairs alone ... I am all better. I swear. I decided to steer clear of salons in my end of the city, the Upper Hood and opted to stay close to down town. In a trendy upscale neighbourhood where surely all the services offered were to be top notch, for the creme de la creme of Calgary. I chose the Magic Room in Kensington. I made my way through rush hour traffic, my heart beat getting faster and heavier as the minutes to my appointment ticked on. And finally, I was being led up the stairs to a quiet room ... with a curtain. This really should have been clue number one that I was not in for an enjoyable experience. Picture Steve Carell in 40 Year Old Virgin screaming out AHHHH KELLY CLARKSON! I didn't think anyone needed to be in earshot of what I may spurt out, but at least a door, if not a sound proof chamber. Jeeze. Clue number two was being told to take off my pants without being offered a blanket. Great ... so that when I am laying on the bed with my snatch in the air and you open the curtain, the whole world can see? Ok ... I see where this is going .... So I explain to the lady (see, I'm trying to be nice here) that it's my first time and I'm not exactly sure what I want done. Definitely not a bikini wax because I need all the .. um, down-down there hair gone. But I hadn't decided between what they call a 'brazilian' and the 'playboy' wax. Which leads me to clue number three that this was just a bad idea all around. See, she didn't ask me to take off my panties (maybe why I wasn't offered a blanket?). Ummm ok, well I may not have done this before, but I know that all the hair I want removed is under those panties. And no amount of moving them over from side to side was going to capture all the hair I needed off. But the lady went ahead and did the bikini wax that I said I didn't want. When she asked me to look and see what she had done, I was confused. Still hairy bush? Just not on the sides at my leg creases? Wtf!? A wee bit retarded should we say? I explained to her again what I wanted my beave to look like ... and off come the panties. There we go .... Round two. I had decided to go with the brazilian, which contrary to what you read or hear, is actually completely bald from top to bottom WITH the landing strip. Full-brazilian, playboy, or exotic, is completely bald. When the evil whore is done round two, she asks me to look and see what I think ... (the C bomb's coming people) ..... Well, I'm left with a bald beaver and a landing strip alright .... that is way off the fucking runway. 

(my best attempt to illustrate what she left me with without getting too graphic)

She looked me in the eye and asked me how it looked. I glared at her with as much anger as I could muster after having gone through what I just went through, which I am assuming was A LOT because when I turned the question back on her, she suggested we take it all off. Ummm, ya fucking think you cunt! Round Three. I didn't think I could endure anymore. I have wax smeared on me again, hair ripped from it's follicles, skin pulled off my body (or so I was assuming at that point ... with the blood n all!) and not just any skin. My special skin. The skin on my most precious part of my body, the part that is to be treated nicely, with love and care. What you are assuming if you made it this far is that it hurt. Let me tell ya, it was a pain like no other. I birthed my child 12 years ago so I have had all this time to recover. And forget. What I don't forget now is the pain that was inflicted on my ever-so-special pink parts and how bad I wanted to punch that fucking twat in the fucking head. So, um, yes, it did hurt. Just a little. Having to go over area's more than once didn't help, using the same thickness of wax on all area's didn't help, and not having a good grip on the strips when pulling them off did not help with my near death experience. After 30 minutes of the ordeal, I was praying that I would just pass out so she could finish butchering me while I remained in a coma. The only relief was when she'd stop to apply more wax .. ahhh the soothing hot wax being rubbed on my beaten skin .... (seriously considering adding some wax play into sexy-time with T-Bone .... ) And when all was said and done, she still left some hairs that grow more from the inside (see illustration to see hair in the middle) ... She said it was too bad to go on ... uh yeah, cuz you're a cunt! I had to put my clothes back on without being able to wipe my hands off because there wasn't so much as a kleenex box in the room of this upscale Salon/Spa in this fancy-ass neighbourhood, I wasn't offered any type of soothing lotion, but I was offered to purchase a $30 bottle of some shit that is supposed to help with in-grown hairs. Like FUCK, that was not my concern at that goddam moment. I sneered at the bitch behind the desk as I paid and tipped against my better judgment because I was delirious and out of sorts at that point, and she gave me a free sample that she told me to apply when I got home. I was in a daze the rest of the evening, waddling, shifting uncomfortably, swollen, broken, and when I finally got around to applying whatever that free sample was, I was again praying for death as it burnt like a mutherfucker and I almost dropped to my knees before I could grab some water or anything to rinse it off. I wouldn't wish last Thursday on anyone and the memory will be with me forever. And I'm blaming every fucking man that walks this earth for doing this to me. To woman everywhere. Making us think, or believe, or feel that we aren't as worthy sexual partners if we remain as god intended - with a full bush.

(like how I threw god in there in an attempt to add more guilt, I don't even know if there is a god, or if he really cares what we do with our hair ....?)


  1. LMAO that is hilarious. I dont think i could ever get that done. Just the thought of someone i dont know touching my vajaja makes my skin crawl. lol

    that was terrible {and HILARIOUS}
    you poor, poor thing...I don't think I could do it...I really don't

  3. O M effin G

    I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. OMG - the Magic Room...WTF...Magic...seriously?

    3 words come to mind "Laser Hair Removal"

    Trying SO hard not to laugh outloud again. Between Aunt Crazy and you people here are starting to think I've lost my mind!

  5. Ummmm...yeah. I could never even consider finding out where these places of business even live. Ugh.

  6. ooooo.....that is a bad experiance. it would take me days to recover too

  7. Thank God I didn't read blogs at work's only my 2nd week at my new one. I would hate for them to think I'd completely lost my mind what with the hysterical laughing going on. All I can say is O.U.C.H.!

  8. You poor thing. I've never waxed my sensitive girl parts. It's all I can do to get my brows waxed and I always break out afterward. I'd hate to see what would happen to my girl parts if they broke out after a waxing. Nothing says, "hey baby, do me" like post-waxing breakouts.

  9. OMG!!!!

    On the other hand, maybe you could provide some kind of Better Business Bureau service for those... er... ahh... kinds of businesses...

    ... and you could come up with a rating system...

    I know I will stay clear of ANY place with the word 'Magic' in the title...



  10. Holy...effin'...SHITBALLS!! I know it's not funny at all, but just that illustration!! ROTFMLFAO You have a gift for storytelling, my friend....and I'm SOOOO sorry about your lady bits! I'm glad they're recovered. And they are creating a new circle of hell as we speak for that cunt who so butchered you in the pretense of waxing....

  11. I've been on the fence for a long time on whether or not to take the plunge and get her waxed.

    I just officially decided a big hell no.

    I hope you are fully recovered, dear!

  12. oy. i feel your pain. the first brazilian i ever had done was an amazing experience. the woman was this norwegian woman who was so gentle. then she left the salon and i never saw her again.

    the next time i had it done was by a young girl who was FREAKING. HORRIBLE. i had the same twitches and 1000 yard stare as you did by the time she was done. i remember her saying, "i'm just going to get the tweezers and pull all these stray hairs." yeah right, lady, get the fuck away from me before i stab you in the neck with those tweezers.

    i didn't get another one for years. now i'm happy with just the bikini wax. it looks clean but isn't a lot of pain or work to maintain it.

    fyi, do NOT EVER, as in NEVER EVER, try to do a brazilian at home. EVER. please just believe me on this.

  13. Ugh, how horrible... But I had to chime in and agree with Stone Fox. DO NOT TRY AT HOME....Not even just a little bit....

  14. OMG. This is awesome. It may be even better than my own waxing story,because it was a stranger & you paid for that abuse AND you drew a picture!!! I love it. Your poor cunt!! LOL

  15. Tears. I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

    Been there, done that, tis why I'll never do it again.

    But I can't believe YOU TIPPED. You are far more generous than I am. I'd have tipped her. With the pointy end of my cowboy boot.

    Thanks for the giggle. LOVED IT.

  16. My check-out lady at the grocery store had her mustache done, they ripped the skin off her upper lip, she had a scab mustache for a week. After witnessing that I'd never let anyone anywhere close to my girly bits.