Monday, May 10, 2010

a single moms Mothers Day

Let me pour you a glass of whine and serve you some cheese, how 'bout havarti? Not a fan of whine and cheese? Then go back, no need for you to read any further ....


I'm not a fan of Mothers Day. And I feel guilt deep down for thinking this way. And I feel shame when I say it out loud. As if I'm trying to collect pity. I don't think I'm trying to collect pity, but I know how it comes across. Mothers Day isn't the same for a single mother as it is for a mother who has a good husband, at the very least. It's the day of the year when all my rotten past decisions come running back and swirling around my head. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely enjoy the time I spend with my daughter, my sisters, my mom, and the rest of my family on Mothers Day. And I am ever-so-grateful that my sister, Silly Sally, stepped in all those years ago as my stand-in baby-daddy. She's always made sure I, at the very least, don't end up empty handed on this day that I feel so fucking lonely. I picked the wrong guy to be my baby's daddy and even though I think I kicked ass raising his kid even when we were together, he never thought I was worth shit to make sure I had a good Mothers Day. Or any other day really. One contributing memory to my loathing of the day, I stood in the corner of the grocery store with my daughter and her dad. The corner where all the flowers are displayed. It was filled with men picking out flowers for their wives, children picking out flowers for their moms. I stood far enough away from them so that IF they were going to pick something out for me, it would almost be a surprise ... I can't say I was really surprised. I was furious and hurt by the look of sadness on my then 5 years olds face when she excitedly asked her dad to pick something out for me and he said told her "not now". What he really meant was "not ever". I still get flowers on mothers day, but they are from my sister and my daughter. Not that I don't appreciate them. But I still can't help but wonder every single year this day, what it would've been like to have picked that right man to be my childs father. What it would be like to have a husband that cared about us. Would I wake up every Mothers Day to a fresh pot of coffee, or a large double double? Would they make me breakfast in bed, or take me to brunch? Would we have done the Mothers Day Run & Walk yesterday as a family? Would I be left at a spa or on the couch to relax while they cleaned and cooked and did the laundry? Maybe I wouldn't be so inclined to chose the couch lately ... who knows.

What I do know is that I have to get off the pity-pot and I tell myself that every year. I do try. But always end up taking this day to be miserable on the inside ... this time was much fun because it was in pair with some lingering pms that left me bawling at the end Juno while Sydnerella laughed and tried to tell me it wasn't that sad. No, I guess it wasn't. And being a single mom isn't that sad either. So I ended the day watching Erin Brockovich. On an uncensored station. And with every fuck I heard, I felt a little bit better. All joking aside, what I do have is good. What I had before was bad. And that's all I can really say about that .... until next year ...

5 comments:

  1. I know how you feel up until the past couple of years i to was a single mom and it was pure misery. Btu now that i have a hubby its hard to shake those single mom feelings even if he does do something for you. so cheer up we all feel miserable sometimes on a holiday that should make us feel loved.

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  2. I think I get how you feel. Hell, I've been married to my babies daddy forever and he gets me nothing cuz I'm not his mom. We do usually go out to eat or something but that's about it and really, we eat out all the time, so it's not very special. My kids are 17 and 13 and my 13 year old girl wants him to buy me gifts, but it never happens. I don't really want gifts, but I also don't get what I really want either, which is appreciation from not only my kids but my husband. I show him love and appreciation on father's day.

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  3. I think the holiday sucks as well!

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  4. OK... coming from a guy... don't be shocked...

    A lot of men suck... donkeys... big big donkeys...

    I share a lot of sentiments that you have about Fathers Day.. I suppose we were in love at some point... I'm confused as to where it ended... things I would do for her... get for her... were almost expected... or would receive comments like, 'this?'

    Fuck...

    One of the greatest honors, though, that I felt my kids ever bestowed on me was the year they gave ME a Mothers Day present... I accepted it in the spirit in which it was given...

    There are so many of us... men and women... that seem to struggle with the 'lonelys' I know that I do...

    I enjoyed reading your post...

    :o)

    ~shoes~

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  5. Ugh, totally relating to this......

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