Tuesday, October 6, 2009

my new 'down-there' doctor

It wasn't bad enough that I had to get my privates inspected today, I had to let some woman I've met twice play with my rack yo. I gotta admit though, it was a whole different experience than when my usual doctor (Mr. Doctor) does the exam. Not that I'm uncomfortable with male doctors, especially this one ... he has seen me at my worst - bloody gooey baby coming out of one end and some very colourful words coming out of the other end - and I thought I was quite comfortable with him putting his face a mere few inches away from my special place then lifting and pushing and pulling my ta-ta's, but let me tell ya ... when I had Mrs. Doctor down there today, touching me in places I never thought I'd let a stranger touch, I was pretty damn relaxed. I could have had a whole conversation with her about shoes, or movies, or what our families were doing this coming Thanksgiving weekend. It felt normal, well as normal as it can  feel when you have your hoo-ha held open with a plastic apparatice and your cervix scrapped with a wire brush ... have I said too much? Moving on then .... and when I curled up into the fetal position and repeated 'I gained 17 pounds in 3 months' over and over and over, she understood the blow I had just received, and even offered a bunch of blood work to rule out any other problems that could be causing weight gain. Now this is my kinda doctor, not suggesting even once that perhaps I've eaten one too many bags of chips, or that maybe I'm not getting enough exercise - well to be honest, at one point it did sound as if she was trying insinuate that the "reduced activity" may be a factor, but I promptly stared her down and repeated 17 POUNDS ... and she just went ahead and added a few more tests to my blood work requisition form. Mr. Doctor probably would have said "alrighty then, get your fat ass off the couch, put down the big mac, and I'll see you next year" (nah, he's a pretty nice guy ... but still ... a guy!) Anyway, once I was feeling nicely invaded, and in need of a shower, I had to hop on over the optometrist to find the mystery behind the floaters in my eye. Well, they're still a mystery, but appearantly nothing to worry about, yet. I have a beautiful retina, but hey ... let's freeze my eyes anyway, put drops in them that somehow run down the back of my throat (wtf?), let them sit until I can no longer make out the words on my incoming text messages, flash odd lights in my eyes, then send my on my way ... dialated pupils an' all. Oh jeebus, when I opened that door .... yes, they were nice enough to remind me that I would need my sunglasses, but I thought they were just being polite because it is oddly sunny for a cold October day ..but nope, they reminded me because I needed the sunglasses. It was as if I had opened a door and stepped on to the sun. I giggled because I couldn't believe they were letting me drive, but I figured it could be fun & challenging. It was nothing special, I've been regaining my up close vision while typing this out, now I'm just waiting for my pupils to shrink so I can open my curtains and probaby get dinner on. No carbs for me I guess, a fist sized piece of chicken and a handful of lettuce it is ...


  1. Oy... do NOT remind me of an upcoming "special" exam. UGH.

    You should have seen the looks I got and heard the office-wide gasps when I refused to step on the scale last time.

    I mean, they're looking at the front, right? They should't care a bit about my expanding butt.

    Sorry, TMI.

    Hoping it was all water weight and you're super-duper healthy!

  2. Haha, the first one was more than readable! :-) It made me sad to see him leave like that as well.

    Hope your eyes get well... so you can play some poker yourself!?